It should be 350 words max, you're a genius if you actually count all of the words.
Am I supposed to read your essay? I don't even read mine..
Try to follow this template.
Intro(with thesis as the last sentence)
1st paragraph : First sentence = topic sentence. Then shed light on the issue. Then explain how this relates to your thesis.
2nd paragraph : same as 1st.
Conclusion : Pretty much restate intro in other words.
The intro was great, but your intro and your conclusion are very different. You can tell just by looking at it. Try to restate your intro in your conclusion(without the hook of course)
The one thing your essay needs is organization
I would give it a B+