Fading away...

I feel myself fading away... my dad flipped out on me again, because he heard I hated him... My girlfriend broke up with me, because she lost feelings for me... My dad freaked out on me so badly, and scared me so badly, I cried... All of that on top of the stress, all at once is like acid to my soul... I feel like I can't last very long on this planet, and I just want to fade away, and let my soul fly away... I keep listening to airplanes by B.O.B, and it is just... I dunno... I feel so lost right now, I really haven't a clue what to do... I sent my dad this over email... It started with me apparently calling my dad a "fucktard" on facebook, but I didn't so yeahh...

Email:

"Hey dad. I just wanted to tell you, after searching through my facebook page, the word "fucktard" was nowhere in there. But I did say bad things about you. All of my reasons are fully justified.

I said all of those things because I don't really feel wanted, or welcome, or even needed in that house. I feel like you play favorites between us all, and you chose Kristina, Shade, and Bryanna. I feel like you would bend over ass-backward for them, yet not do a thing for me... You may think you have done nothing wrong, but you have. You mock me about everything I do. First was my hairstyle. I wanted to be like you so much when I was 7-9. I truly did, but you just ignored me. Now that I have my OWN hairstyle, like you wanted SOOO badly, you make fun of me constantly. Second thing, was dancing. I really liked dancing, and all you did was, indirectly, call me a fag because I liked it. Then it was when I was getting into parkour. You picked fun at me, because I was trying to get fit enough to even TRY to do advanced parkour. Now look what happened. I barely leave the house. You crushed all of the things that made me smile, made me happy, and made me have something to do. Now my room is the only home I have. That house is not home, its my room. The Internet, is where I feel free. Where I go to be accepted, welcomed, and most of all, wanted. You say it wouldn't kill me to do some of the stuff you like, I could've said the same thing because you do NOTHING that I like. I hate camping REGARDLESS of where it is. You mock me, put me down, say all this shit about me, to me, and say that you love me? I find this quite insulting. I don't think you love me, and I sure as HELL know Kristina doesn't either. You think you know your "son" but because of you, and all the people at school, and how you act, your "son", doesn't exist anymore. All you have is a child who doesn't care about you what-so-ever. I used to like you, I used to want to spend time with you, I used to think you were the greatest. Now all you do is make me angry, and want to leave you, and never come back. I honestly, can't see me keeping contact with you at all, after I leave. I DO hate what you have done, and I can't say it because your pathetic first reactions is anger and rage. You said "No phone, no Internet", but to be honest, I don't have those anymore. You punched my computer screen, wrecking it, and my cell phone doesn't work ANYWAY so, I am really not losing anything and I couldn't say this to you in person, because you scared me, so badly, I had troubles keeping myself from trembling and crying. You can't buy me saying "I love you" with a Bonsai tree, even though I love that thing. Kristina makes me feel unwelcome, unwanted, and un-needed because, all she does is criticize what I did wrong, or didn't do. She never lets me finish COMPLETELY justifiable sentences, and reacts out of anger first, much like you. Those are reasons why I would talk down about you. I am telling you this over email, because in person, I would never be able to finish, and I would return to my room, unsuccessful, and majorly pissed off... Those are reasons I would say something like that. And by the way, you did make me cry. Grounding me will only further my disliking of everyone in the house. And don't call me things like "******" because I don't like it. Talk to you when I get home."

My head is soo fuckin heavy, and I am so stressed that I feel heavier... The only person I loved in my entire life, doesn't even care about me anymore... I feel so fucking empty, and heartless, I can't bare myself anymore... Fuckin life is a real bitch... Glad this forum is a home to me, and I get treated better here, than anywhere... I am lost...

u typed all that?

I copied, and pasted the email, but other than that, I typed it all up by hand... I typed the email... I dunno I just... I feel so fucked up right now...

Cool story bro.

p.s the title reminds me of Marry J blidge song "fade away".

But the thing is, this is actually how I am feeling right now... I honestly don't know what to do...

There are plenty of fish in the Sea. One day, you'll find that one person that will make you comfortable still. It's just a matter of waitin.

Don't do suicide. -.- You're not getting the thoughts of suicide now because of me are you?

Fag.... Just fucking with you man.
I unfortunently am getting at where you are right now. My dad is not only a fucking fagget, but he treats me like someone he hates. Everything I do wrong, or even when I do right, he judges me for my work in the worst way possible. And when he doesn't have nothing to do, he comes to me saying he loves me and he cares about me. A few weeks ago when he came towards me with his fag action, I told him to fuck off, and never talk to me again. We haven't talked since then. And I don't pretend to talk to him ever in my life. Having someone that judges you for being who you are, is fucking retarded.
And how old are you dude?
And if your sister ever comes bitching at you again, grow some balls and say "Bitch, shut the fuck up before I knock you out, now GTFO and go make me a sandwich."
And if you're about the size of your dad, dude, grow the fuck up, leave the fucking house, go get your own life. Go find people that love you.
When I was 7, I used to live with my aunt, my mom didn't know where I lived, so my mom couldn't take care of me. Anyways, my aunt use to make me her slave, and server her all the shit she wanted, and do whatever she or her son wanted. At the age of 8, I told her to go fuck herself with her faggy son (My cousin), and I left that house. I had $75 from my dad, he use to love me, and he came to the USA, he use to send me allowence every month of $100, my aunt use to keep all the money, I got tired of it, and stole from her wallet my money. I had a best friend, his dad was a real friend of mine, I asked him to buy me a ticket to my mom's hometown, and from there I would find my way around. When I got to the other city, I stayed on the streets for 3 days, I had $20 on my pocket. I fed myself for 2 days, and as I walked through the small city, I luckly went through my mom's neighboorhood, and I asked for a few kids that were playing soccer on the street, they told me my mom's address, it was 2 houses down from where I was.
Getting there I lived with my mom 3 happy years. Then by the law, I had to come live with my dad on U.S.A, and I really do not have any plans of living here. I just want to get my diploma of college, and GTFO.

I hope you won't take offense, but;
My guess is you are somewhere between 14-18 y/o
Altho it is the last fucking thing you want to hear at that age, what you're going through is rather normal. In this period your psyche fucks up completely, making you feel, do and say shit you'll be embarrassed for, the rest of your life (ahh, good times).
Being lovesick seems like the end of the world, your parents seem like the devil and school needs to be burned down.
Not much you can do besides trying to rationalize what you're feeling and trying to realize you'll look back to this particular period in a few years and laugh with it (slightly embarrassed)

I hated this kind of futile explanation at that age, just like the "You'll look back to school as the best time of your life" and "I was your age too, once, you know" speeches, but turns out I'm saying some of that shit myself now too. *sigh* school was awesome

Oh btw, If my assumption concerning your age is completely off and you are way older, the answer is simply: ALCOHOL AND/OR WEED (optionally in combination with porn and/or violent video games)

I realize what you are doing, but its not my hormones, or my psyche getting fucked up... I understand where you are coming from, but I am not like every other kid out there, and I do not want to be a kid anymore... All I can say is, if you lived my life, you would understand...

Originally Posted by jonnyboy9985

.
That reaction, that answer, especially "I am not like every other kid out there" and "if you lived my life, you would understand." is exactly what I mean.
I understand your reply tho, and the more I try to make you believe that "I was your age too" and that "I know what you are going through", the more you will rebel and get mad and will try to make me see how with YOU it is different. I can very well remember that feeling. God I fucking HATED when my parents would say this shit. Especially "I was once your age too, you know" and, even worse, "when you get older you will understand." But yeah.. It's true..

One trick that helped for me in times like this (may sound a bit strange) was to imagine myself being three years older, looking back at the situation I was currently in. That way I could put things in perspective.
The extensive use of weed helped me achieve this inner peace tho, which might not be the best advise to give you ..

Anyways, for what it's worth. Your situation is not nearly as bad as you experience it.
Oh, and don't play those fucking sad songs.

mpgh is not a home for you. You're just hiding from reality it won't do you any good man.

hmm people with nolife.. wut should we do witout them?

MPGH is a home... It is the only place I feel welcome, and what I mean't by what I said was, the only time I was ever happy, was with her... And I mean in my entire life... I can't remember ever truly feeling anything... Just a blank mind, trying to figure things out... It wasn't as bad when I was a lot smaller, but now that I am older, I have to endure every little bit of it... I was drunk once, but that won't happen again. I hate stupid people, and I don't want to become one. People may say that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but no... What I meant by live my life, is that you never were like me... You never felt absolutely nothing for a long period of time (14 years)... I realize how I may sound, but what I say is true. I never felt anything. Ever. This one or two months of temporary happiness, faded faster than I would've ever thought. I had only one small bit of hope with her, but now that I lost her, I have nothing that I can say I love... Nothing I can say I really want, excluding this community, and computers. I know why you say "I was your age" because I have taken into account that it very well may be my swing in hormones, but hormones do not kick in as early as two years old. I flew by before puberty, fully automatic... Feeling nothing... Puberty came, and nothing really changed... Just got hair, grew, and got an interest in more complex things. I admit, I felt the confusion of puberty, a very tiny bit. But I lied to myself constantly, until I started to truly feel... The feeling I had was empty. I didn't have a true feeling or feelings... All I felt was a deep sorrow, pain, and a horribly broken mind. I was so close to suicide a small while ago, even with this girl, that was not the effects of puberty, and I was just about to do it... I have another thread explaining it... I basically got so attached to Hardstyle Techno, that it was able to rid my mind of all thoughts... I was set free, and I was so ready for suicide. I had the pills, the glass of water, and a deep sadness. All that stopped me was the short amount of light provided by technology, and Hardstyle. I was so close to suicide, and thought about it numerous times before. Now neither is helping... I do completely understand why you are saying it is just my interpreting of the situation as worse than it is, but no. It is the large feeling of being alone... People say they care about me, and all this other stuff, but I never feel it. I am never affected by what they say. It does not phase me in any way... It is like a piece of paper hitting your hand. Does nothing but get annoying... People say "I know how you feel" but unless they have been alone for their entire life, and they still are, they don't know... They may be able to relate, but never know.

My previous comment was made so short and childish, because the hotel I was staying in, would log me off in a few seconds, making me unable to put very long messages.

There is only one thing you can do to beat your demons.
You must face.. the FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET!

Fading away...

Post a Reply

Similar Threads

Tags for this Thread